Fears of a new "preschooler" mom

It's been so long since I last wrote. And interestingly enough, it's easy to see it doesn't matter. That's okay :) Life goes on and sometimes it's better to actually focus on it, rather than on an empty blog.

Fiona had her birthday, and we had some uproar around it. With our lives settling back down in New Mexico next week, after a well needed vacation, Fiona will be heading into preschool.

Unbelievable!

My daughter is three years old already! Her speech is better every day, and her mobility even more stable. And now, preschool. PRESCHOOL! I know she's ready... I just don't think I'm ready.

I read a friend's blog the other day, about fears. This friend revealed true fears he has been facing. As I read this entry to his blog, I found myself realizing that each of us deals with fears every day. Some we can adapt to or get over pretty quickly, while others, like the ones he wrote about, can haunt us each day.

Fears can become consuming. I know all too well about consuming fears. Allow me to walk you through just a few for now.

1. Medical Diagnoses. I've struggled for several years with depression. Many people do not understand what this entails. Depression is life consuming, especially when not medicated correctly. Depression can make each day hard to deal with, from struggling to get out of bed to not wanting to accomplish anything through the day and only wishing one had stayed in bed. My depression has even caused issues with relationships in my life, including my marriage.

But the other day, I learned that I've been medicating for only half the problem. For at least 10 years now, I have had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder. With this diagnosis, combined with the depression, it has been discovered that my irritation and my unexplained panic attacks and rapid heartbeats were "highs" or manic episodes. These too are destructive to relationships and simple life tasks. Unmedicated, or mismedicated, these highs can be dangerous too.

2. Marriage. Given that my fears all play hand in hand together, it is understandable that I struggle with my marriage. Am I being the best wife I can be for my husband? Am I adequate company when we live so far away from all our friends? Am I being supportive enough? Too nosy? What if I'm not making him happy?

3. My Daughter.  Heaven help me, I wonder every day if I'm doing all I can to make her quality of life the most it can be! I take great pride in knowing that I'm seeking the therapy she needs to succeed, that I clothe and feed her appropriately, and doing all I can to keep her smiling. But what mother doesn't ask "Am I really doing this right?"? I worry if I'm really setting her up for the most success she can achieve. I wonder every day if I did something that caused her delays in speech, fine motor and gross motor development. I wonder if she's ready for preschool...

Fears are consuming. When these three go hand in hand, and feed off each other, it makes it even more difficult to discern genuine fear versus obsessive over thinking. Later sometime, I'll touch on the other side of these fears- the solutions and goals to move past them.

For now it is time to return to life as it is, and pray blessings over those of you who read this :)
Thanks for listening.